"I think I must be getting old." said one of the women. "I sometimes find myself at the foot of the stairs, and I can't remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back down."

"I know what you mean," added the second friend. "Sometimes I'll be standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put something in."

Aunt Mary sat up. "I guess I'm better off than either of you. I haven't had any problems like that so far, knock on wood". Saying that, she rapped on the table three times. She looked at the other two women and stood up. "Excuse me," she said, "Someone's at the door."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?"

"Joe," he mumbled.

"And where are you from, Joe?"

"The balcony."

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what this car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see whit it could be, and suddenly, whhhoooossshh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot doming towards Whooooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!!

Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance."

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "So, now? How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 metres.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Jewish men who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.

• AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
• CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
• DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
• ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
• FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
• LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
• PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
• PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone umber and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
• PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
• TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Furious... she races back to the dealership. The salesman assures her that the radio is right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says.... and *click*.... a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country", she says... and *click* .... a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk"... *click* .... Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.....

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams. ...

*click*

"Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show"

TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. but it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

LEO: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.00000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the ancient Hierarchial Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burnt-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said.

"Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "-- I can check my e-mail from here?"

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner interrupts his pet's concentration, saying, "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play it!"

The octopus say's "Play it? Huh?!? I was trying to figure out how to take off it's pajamas..."

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far?"

"About ten gallons."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke [skullcap] for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

1. Be sure to bring my salad
dressing on the side.
2. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
3. Checkmate.
4. Deer heads detract from the decor.
5. Do you think my hair is too big?
6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
7. Elvis who?
8. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
9. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
10. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
11. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
12. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
13. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
14. I don't have a favorite college team.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
16. I thought Graceland was tacky.
17. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
18. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
19. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
20. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
21. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
22. My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
23. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
24. She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
25. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
26. The tires on that truck are too big.
27. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
28. Trim the fat off that steak.
29. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
30. We don't keep firearms in this house.
31. We're vegetarians.
32. Who's Richard Petty?
33. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
34. Wreslin's fake.
35. You can't feed that to the dog.