- Jagermeister
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man.
"6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob,"
the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the
house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing
will."
- The Hyper-Active Aphrodisiac
An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her
husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of
desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just thething. Have
your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to
change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner,
just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in
his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw
me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."
"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"
- Mental Health
Sam has been in the mental health business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's
total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing
dinner when someone knocks on the door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
standing there.
"Name's Enoch...... your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.....having a party
Saturday.....thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops,
"gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem....after 25 years in the mental health business, I can drink with the best
of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks....tough crowd.
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Enoch turns from
the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there.....by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of
us."
- Friends
There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During
college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the
middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way. Two or
three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each
other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker", responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for
excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered
the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to
take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....You
want to talk about excitement, I was in the wrong room!!!"
- THE GENIE
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see
anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man letting him out. The genie
said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never
been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish
for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do that. Just think of all the
work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be
to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No ... that
is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have
always wanted. I want to understand women. What makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are
they temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes
them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you want two lanes or four ?"
- Hen Service
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a
rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that could service all of his many
hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
"I have just therooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though,
he gave Randy a little pep talk."Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And
without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much
squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But
Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still
at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill
yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next
morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the
air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling
above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone
and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
- Elbow Pain
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the
computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled ajar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out
popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give
it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the
$10. The machine made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is
too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's on
drugs. Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant. It ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't
stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
- Fruit
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach
into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the
teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and
colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you
teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a
head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries."That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
- Bump
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the
front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
- Saddle
A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes
along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild
whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops
off. "My God!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make
him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto
his saddle horn."
"Lady,"says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
- Neighbor
A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young couple moving next door.
The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and proceded to set up
the hammock in the back yard.
Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes. After a while, the young lady
emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband. She then
proceded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.
This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door to give the husband a
piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily, "you ought to be hung!"
The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."
- Ghost
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the
supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of
the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up
his hand...
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to
tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"
The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said
'goat'."
- Abstaining from sex
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went
to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the
two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had
to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man
replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
- Examination
This sweet young thing enters a doctor's office for her annual
physical. The doctor has her disrobe and sit on the examining table.
Right off he notices a rash all across her chest in the shape of an
"H". "How did that happen?" he asks. She says, "My boyfriend is a
big football star
at Harvard, and he won't take off his letter sweater when we fool
around."
Strange, thinks the doctor, but to each his own. Some time later
another sweet young thing enters the same doctor's office for her
annual physical. Same drill disrobe, and sit on the examining table.
The doctor notices an almost identical rash on this girl's chest, only
this time, it's in the shape of a "Y". "How did you get this rash?"
the doctor asks. The sweet young thing replies, "Oh, my boyfriend is
a letter man at Yale, and he won't take his sweater off when we fool
around." "Oh" says the doctor.
Not a half hour after this young lady leaves, another sweet young
thing comes in for her annual physical. Again the doctor notices a
rash on her chest in the shape of a giant "M". The doctor says,
"Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Minnesota State!" "No" says
the sweet young thing. "But I have a girlfriend who goes to
Wellesley."
- A little rhyme
Jim woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't
there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Jim was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his
little
boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND! |