Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). It's a
revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries,
nothing to be connected or switched on.
It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and
portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is
powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked
together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct
sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each
sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of
the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely
opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward
or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact
location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it
in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Portable,
durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new
titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable
Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (referred to by the acronym PENCILS to
those in the trade).
- Scence Fair
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science
Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk
science related to environmental issues. In his project, the young student urged people to
sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen
And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
- cause excessive sweating and vomiting
- it is a major component in acid rain
- it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
- accidental inhalation can kill you
- it contributes to erosion
- it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
- it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were
undecided, and only one knew that dihydrogen monoxide was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
- Bill Gates in Purgatory
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by
God "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you
to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer
in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm
going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you
decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It wasa beautiful,
clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature
was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY
want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought
for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God
decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived
in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark
cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not
what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the
beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver, or was it the Beta Version??!!
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular
commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give
you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in
some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have
simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer
experience to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put
monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for
years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep
appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign
your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK I have one! You can chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which
connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many
of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish
to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups,
such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to
Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area
can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2"
so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to
wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old
boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around
the fascinating topic of entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally
fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and
then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty
to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation
of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow . . .
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and
furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whetheror not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and
forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and
harder and harder until OHHHHGODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky
keyboard, if you get my drift.
Q. That's disgusting!
Q. Could you give an example?
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING,BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ...
MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR ...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHATIT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH GOD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU BASTARD!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE
ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A. You can join one of the
thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans
post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting
messages about how much they love Barry Manilow too. And then sometimes the forum is
invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads
to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.
Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often
you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. It is.
Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the
Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite
range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are maintained by companies,
institutions, and individuals. Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and
read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a
boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of
its various models. All you have to do is fire up you rWorld Wide Web software and type in the
company's Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of
characters like this:
Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and
there you are!
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.
It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for
a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does
not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor
Vehicles. It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats
Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you're willing to
be patient, you'll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in
ways that you never before dreamed possible.
Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser,"
which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace- millions of documents
for references to a specific word or group of words. You can find pretty much everything that
anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research
Q. That is truly beautiful.
A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one
infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff
out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere.
You should be on there, too. Don't be afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus,
(E-mail address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters,
fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying:
"If you don't leave the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and
develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes." So come on! join me and
millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier, with its limitless possibilities for
the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race! Wazootyman is waiting for
- Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work:
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be
swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's
owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that
they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Eskin,
Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island.
We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin.
"Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish
Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very
well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again,
so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
- Programmers and Engineers
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to
NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window
to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He
explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you
ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer
politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me
$5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention,
and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer
asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer
doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer
"What goes up hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net
and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes
the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed,
shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns
away to get back to sleep.
- Engineering Students
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who
might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical
engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical
engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way
the nerves are wired up to the brain... must have been designed by an electrical engineer."
Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste
water line through a recreational area?"
- ACTUAL DIALOG OF A FORMER WORDPERFECT CUSTOMER SUPPORT EMPLOYEE:
CS Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS Employee: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS Employee: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
CS Employee: "Humm. So what does your screen look like now?"
CS Employee: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS Employee: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
CS Employee: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS Employee: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS Employee: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
CS Employee: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
CS Employee: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."
CS Employee: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
Customer: ......"Yes, it is."
CS Employee: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CS Employee: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."
CS Employee: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
Customer: "I can't reach."
CS Employee: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CS Employee: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
CS Employee: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
CS Employee: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
CS Employee: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
CS Employee: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS Employee: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS Employee: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS Employee: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all its navigation and communications equipment. With
all the clouds and haze, the pilot couldn't determine his position or how
to get to the airport. But he saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it up.
The sign read, "WHERE AM I?"
People in the building quickly responded with their own sign: "YOU ARE IN
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, plotted the course to the
airport and landed safely. On the ground, the co-pilot asked him how their
sign helped determine the helicopter's position.
"I knew that had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot said, "because
they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
- Windows 98
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit.
As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows
98 on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system,
and showed him the Windows 98 CD. To my surprise he threw it into my
microwave oven and turned the oven on. Instantly I got very upset,
because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry,
it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me
and said: 'Take a close look at it.'
To my surprise the CD was quite
cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could
not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a
inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen
before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if
out of a great depth:
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No, but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but
the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in
common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
Dinner with God
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were
invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner He told them:
"I invited you here because I need three very important people to
send my message out -
Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
After dinner ...
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet
and told them:
"I have two very bad news items for you:
1. God really exists, and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the
Senate and Congress and told them:
"I have Good news and Bad News:
1. The good news is: God really does exist.
2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced:
"I have two fantastic announcements:
Microsoft Announcement: Windows 2000 Delayed
1. I am one of three most important people on earth.
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."
Redmond, WA- Microsoft announced today that the official release date
for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the
second quarter of 1901.
January 3, 2000
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time
over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees
are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time
off. One additional week is granted for every 05 years of
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and
your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which
will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing