Digital Consciousness Jokes -- technology
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  1. BOOK
    Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

    It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

    Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

    An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (referred to by the acronym PENCILS to those in the trade).

  2. Scence Fair
    A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science related to environmental issues. In his project, the young student urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

    And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

    • cause excessive sweating and vomiting
    • it is a major component in acid rain
    • it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
    • accidental inhalation can kill you
    • it contributes to erosion
    • it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
    • it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

    He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that dihydrogen monoxide was water.

    The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

  3. Bill Gates in Purgatory
    Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

    Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

    God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

    "Fine, but where should I go first?"

    God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

    Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It wasa beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

    "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

    "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

    "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

    "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

    Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

    God says, "That was the screen saver, or was it the Beta Version??!!

  4. Internet
    Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
    A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.

    Q. Who runs it?
    A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

    Q. How can I get on the Internet?
    A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial "online" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.

    Q. What are the benefits of these services?
    A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you - even if you have no previous computer experience to provide the online services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.

    Q. What if I die?
    A. They don't care.

    Q. Can't I cancel my account?
    A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

    Q. How?
    A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

    Q. What if I have children?
    A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

    Q. No, I mean, What if my children also use my Internet account?
    A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the online service right now.

    Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an online service?
    A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!

    Q. Like what?
    A. You can ... ummmm ... OK I have one! You can chat.

    Q. Chat?
    A. Chat.

    Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
    A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

    Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
    A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.

    Q. What are their real identities?
    A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!

    Q. Really?
    A. No. You're almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

    Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
    A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):

    LilBrisket: Hi everybody
    Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
    Toadster: Hi Bris
    Lungftook: Hi B
    LilBrisket: What's going on?
    Toadster: Not much
    Lungftook: Pretty quiet


    Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
    LilBrisket: No
    Toadster: Nope
    Lungftook: Sorry


    UvulaBob: Hi everybody
    Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
    Lungftook: Hi Uvula
    LilBrisket: Hi UB
    Wazootyman: Hi U
    UvulaBob: What's happening?
    LilBrisket: Kinda slow
    Toadster: Same old same old
    Lungflook: Pretty quiet
    Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
    LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man


    Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
    UvulaBob: No.


    Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
    Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
    LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
    Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
    UvulaBob: So long, L


    PolypMaster: Hi everybody
    LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
    Toadster: Yo, Polyp
    UvulaBob: Hi, P
    PolypMaster: What's going on?
    LilBrisket: Not much
    Toadster: Pretty quiet
    UvulaBob: Kinda slow . . .

    And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whetheror not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

    Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
    A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHHGODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

    Q. That's disgusting!
    A. Yes.

    Q. Could you give an example?
    A. Certainly:
    Born2Bone: I want you NOW
    HunniBunni: I want YOU now
    Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
    HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
    Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
    HunniBunni: OH YESSSS


    HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
    Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
    HunniBunni: I'll do it
    Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
    HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
    Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them!
    HunniBunni: YES!
    Born2Bone: Both of them!
    HunniBunni: YESSS!!
    Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
    HunniBunni: You already did.
    Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
    HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
    Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
    Born2Bone: No
    HunniBunni: No
    Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
    Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
    HunniBunni: Not you
    HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
    HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
    Born2Bone: Yes
    HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
    Born2Bone: Ha ha!
    HunniBunni: You promised!
    HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
    Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
    HunniBunni: Like what?
    HunniBunni: What did you say?
    Born2Bone: Whoops
    HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
    Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
    Born2Bone: Tipper?
    HunniBunni.- Whoops

    Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
    A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.

    Q. Like what?
    A. Barry Manilow.

    Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
    A. There's a forum for everything.

    Q. What happens on these forums?
    A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.

    Q. Just like junior high school!
    A. But even more pointless.

    Q. Are there forums about sex?
    A. Zillions of them.

    Q. What do people talk about on those?
    A. Barry Manilow.

    Q. No, really.
    A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.

    Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
    A. It is.

    Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
    A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.

    Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
    A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up you rWorld Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters like this: http//

    Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
    A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.

    Q. Ah.
    A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and there you are!

    Q. Where?
    A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen. It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles. It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in person.

    Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
    A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you never before dreamed possible.

    Q. For example?
    A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace- millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research tool.

    Q. That is truly beautiful.
    A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don't be afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes." So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race! Wazootyman is waiting for you.

  5. Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work:
  6. 20. "That's weird..."
  7. 19. "It's never done that before."
  8. 18. "It worked yesterday."
  9. 17. "How is that possible?"
  10. 16. "It must be a hardware problem."
  11. 15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
  12. 14. "There is something funky in your data."
  13. 13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
  14. 12. "You must have the wrong version."
  15. 11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
  16. 10. "I can't test everything!"
  17. 9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
  18. 8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
  19. 7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
  20. 6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
  21. 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
  22. 4. "You can't use that version on your system."
  23. 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
  24. 2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
  25. 1. And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work: "I thought I fixed that."
  26. Shipwrecked
    A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island.

    After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

    "Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

    "So what?" shouted Benny.

    "Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

  27. Programmers and Engineers
    A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

    The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

    The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

    Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer
    "What goes up hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
    The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

    After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

    Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

  28. Engineering Students
    Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

    The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain... must have been designed by an electrical engineer."

    Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

    CS Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    CS Employee: "What sort of trouble?"
    Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    CS Employee: "Went away?"
    Customer: "They disappeared."
    CS Employee: "Humm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    Customer: "Nothing."
    CS Employee: "Nothing?"
    Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    CS Employee: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    Customer: "How do I tell?"
    CS Employee: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
    Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
    CS Employee: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    CS Employee: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    Customer: "What's a monitor?"
    CS Employee: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    Customer: "I don't know."
    CS Employee: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."
    CS Employee: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    Customer: ......"Yes, it is."
    CS Employee: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    Customer: "No."
    CS Employee: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."
    CS Employee: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    Customer: "I can't reach."
    CS Employee: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    Customer: "No."
    CS Employee: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
    CS Employee: "Dark?
    Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    CS Employee: "Well, turn on the office light then."
    Customer: "I can't."
    CS Employee: "No? Why not?"
    Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
    CS Employee: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    CS Employee: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
    CS Employee: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    CS Employee: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
  30. Helicopter
    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all its navigation and communications equipment. With all the clouds and haze, the pilot couldn't determine his position or how to get to the airport. But he saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it up.

    The sign read, "WHERE AM I?"

    People in the building quickly responded with their own sign: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, plotted the course to the airport and landed safely. On the ground, the co-pilot asked him how their sign helped determine the helicopter's position.

    "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot said, "because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

  31. Windows 98
    Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 98 on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system, and showed him the Windows 98 CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned the oven on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.'

    To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7!~2#$%67)*&6%$%D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC

    'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.

    'No, but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

    One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
    One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...

  32. Dinner with God
    Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.

    During dinner He told them: "I invited you here because I need three very important people to send my message out - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"

    After dinner ...
    Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two very bad news items for you:
    1. God really exists, and
    2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

    Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have Good news and Bad News:
    1. The good news is: God really does exist.
    2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."

    Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements:
    1. I am one of three most important people on earth.
    2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."

  33. Microsoft Announcement: Windows 2000 Delayed
    Redmond, WA- Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
  34. January 3, 2000
    Re: Vacation Pay
    Dear Valued Employee:
    Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 05 years of service.

    Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

    Automated Payroll Processing

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